Sleepless Thoughts about Twitch

Without going into anything too personal here, I miss streaming.

I still find it difficult to stream consistently or for long periods for reasons of anxiety; as soon as that camera is on me, I stumble and stutter over my words, I misread and re-read chat and get flustered because I got it wrong. I become the World’s Worst Gamer™, but turn the camera off and less people watch.

It’s not an attack on me, that’s just streaming entertainment for you; it’s an interactive, visual method of entertainment. I personally prefer streamers with a camera, because it feels open and honest. Only pro gamers and people with amazing radio host voices can really pull off not having a camera. Being a woman, also, if you turn the camera off it’s “because you’re ugly”, and have the camera on and it’s “you only have cam on for the views.”

I tried to stream this morning without a webcam; I planned to do a long one, and 90 minutes in my energy for interaction just insta-drained out of me, and I just pretended the stream crashed; I physically couldn’t ‘play the part’ any longer than that. Yet sometimes, you’ll get five hours of solid bounce outta me. That’s anxiety for you I guess. You’re either a corpse with a heartbeat or you’ve got a rocket made of epinephrine up your ass.

Since late last year, when my life changed massively for the better, I’ve been slowly on the mend mentally and emotionally. I am in a much happier place in life and while things are still stressful (I need an income so badly), I am no longer having daily meltdowns about things. But nothing changes on its own, nor does it change overnight.

So I need to kick my own ass here. Nothing big: I am done making big promises about my stream. I keep trying to return 5-6 days a week at 4-5 hours a day and it just doesn’t happen, because recovery of one’s mental health doesn’t work by force.

I’m going to try something for the remainder of this week. A nice, easy enough tactic.

A stream of whatever game I feel like (probably Overwatch, because addicted), every single day, for just one hour. No more than that, even if I feel like it (to prevent burnout). Maybe easing myself into ‘the grind’ will make it better for me, and slowly get me out of this constant ‘I am just going to sit here and age, kthx’ mode.

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